[This is a transcript of one of the tracks from the comedy album, “Mitch All Together,” by Mitch Hedberg.]
Look at all the limes in this g-d- thing! This f-ing thing is tropical. Look at the limes, how they float. That’s good news. Next time I’m on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. Like I’ll be waterskiing without a life preserver, people will say “wtf?” and I will put out a lime. I’m saved by the buoyancy of citrus.
Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.
I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying, “No.” So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to.
I say, “Do you keep my hair in place?”
“Do you keep my documents in order?”
“Do you have three settings?”
My fan f-ing lied to me! Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain’t saying sh-.
I didn’t go to college but if I did I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant. Because the customer is always right.
All right, all right, that joke is better than you acted. Perhaps it’s not. Maybe it’s dumb. It could be. I hear you man. I’m not a f-ing genius for Christ’s sake. You know, I’m, f-ing, just trying to tell some jokes. Sh-. Who the f- are you?
That track is number 14 and it’s called, “Attitude.”
I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby-naming book or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
Mitch Hedberg (1968 -2005)
Mitch All Together
Mitch, may your soul be at peace.