Why Muslims Should Vote For Barack Obama

Why Muslims Should Vote for Barack Obama

1. His message of equality echoes Prophet Muhammad (S)’s message of equality.

Senator Barack Obama: “There is not a black America, and white America, and Latino America, and Asian America, there’s the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA” – 2004 Democratic Convention Speech

Prophet Muhammad: “All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over a black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action…”

2. The one and only Muslim member of Congress, Congressman Keith Ellison, supports him.

Muslim Congressman Keith Ellison endorsed the 2008 presidential campaign of Sen. Obama saying “”He speaks with a unifying spirit.” He said he supports “Obama’s message of an open and fair economy, a balanced prosperity and clear opposition to the war in Iraq.”

3. He understands the needs of immigrants.

Obama believes we must fix the dysfunctional immigration bureaucracy and increase the number of legal immigrants to keep families together and meet the demand for jobs that employers cannot fill. – (www.barackobama.com/issues/immigration/)

4. He is dedicated to women’s rights.

Barack Obama has emphasized the need to ensure that every working woman receives equal pay for equal work. As a father of two daughters, Sen. Obama congratulated Senator Hillary Clinton on a groundbreaking campaign, despite their political differences.

5. Muslims should appreciate his courageous stance on Iraq.

From the very beginning, Senator Obama opposed the war in Iraq. He is committed to ending the American occupation of Iraq. He wants to bring the troops home immediately.

Everyone needs to make up their own mind about whom they should vote for and even whether they should vote at all. I believe that voting for Senator Barack Obama represents a rare opportunity to make a positive difference in America.

Wondering

Wondering

Wondering if you’re as happy

As you look in pictures

Wondering who you’re talking to

Now that you don’t talk to me

Who listens to you describe that crazy patient?

Who is your sounding board?

Wondering about that no

That ended us

The choice that wasn’t

The life I wanted but without you

Or a life I hated, with you

Was it a hard no?

A gruff consonantal n

Long enunciated o

Meaning never

Not while human blood flows through human veins

Not even if I were the Omega Man

Or was it a soft, squishy no?

A gelatinous concoction

As in “No, not now.”

Or not yet.

Trapped between the n-shaped gate

And the circular enclosure

Formed by that word “no”

That old lie about sticks and stones

This “no” packed a wollop

But somehow

At the same time

Feeling so free

Not tied to any woman

Nor defined by anyone

Except myself

I suppose that’s not really true

I’m still defined

By my brother

By my mother

By my father

By my sister

By my Facebook friends

And by the greatest supporting cast

This side of “Scrubs”

But not you

And I’m wondering if I should feel guilty

That we both seem so much better

Apart

Political Arithmetic

OBAMA – BIDEN

+            NLA

———————–

OBAMA BIN LADEN

I’m just saying.

Cafe Finjan

On Thursday night, I went to the Mercury Cafe, 1505 W. Chicago Ave. I heard about an event through Facebook. It was an event to promote Jewish-Muslim unity. There were different acts – a Muslim sister doing comedy, a Jewish duo performing a love song, a diverse group of poets doing spoken word, and others.

The Muslim comic was really unique. I don’t want to steal her act, but I don’t think she’ll mind if I repeat one of her jokes. She started off by saying, “Who wants to hear the latest jokes from Fallujah?” A bunch of people cheered. Then she said, “What do you say to a thief with no arms?” And then no one said anything. She said, “You have to say ‘what,’ otherwise these jokes won’t work.” So she repeated the joke, “What do you say to a thief with no arms?” and everybody said, “What?” And she said, “Nothing. You already told him twice!”

One of the highlights of the evening was a young sister, maybe a fifth-grader, who read a poem about Eid. She ended by saying that she loved Eid just like others love Christmas and Hanukkah.

(The picture depicts a finjan, a traditional Middle Eastern coffeepot.
The word “finjan” is the same in both Arabic and Hebrew. Image courtesy of www.pacificocoffee.com)

Shattered (Turn the Car Around)

“Shattered (Turn the Car Around) ” O.A.R. All Sides Now (album)

In a way, I need a change

From this burnout scene

Another time, another town

Another everything

But it’s always back to you

[The speaker expresses a need for change. In a certain stage of life, the twenties, one feels a need to make major changes in one's life. Sometimes it means going to a new school. It might mean moving to a new town. Yet one still clings to the people from the past.]

Stumble out, in the night

From the pouring rain

Made the block, sat and thought

There’s more I need

It’s always back to you

[I understand what it means to stumble out in the rain. Perhaps the stumbling is a result of drinking. But I don't know what he means by "Made the block." I guess he means he made it to the end of the block. Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com - warning adult content!) tells me to make the block means to drive around the block. Weird. We don't say that here in Chicago. He repeats the line, "It's always back to you." He seems to be sticking with this person out of force of habit and not out of genuine love.]

But I’m good without ya

Yeah, I’m good without you

Yeah, yeah, yeah

[He realizes he doesn't need the person who used to be in his life. He can function perfectly fine without her.]

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can’t define what I’m after

I always turn the car around

Give me a break let me make my own pattern

All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered

I always turn the car around

[The first line makes me think of a ceramic vase. You can break it a couple times in different places. But if you hit it with enough force, it will shatter into a million pieces. I think he's referring to his heart. The girl he's with keeps breaking his heart but he keeps coming back to her. He says he always turns the car around which means that he keeps trying to leave her, because she hurts him so much, but he can never bring himself to do it.]

I had no idea that the night

Would take so damn long

Took it out, on the street

While the rain still falls

Push me back to you

But I’m good without ya

Yeah, I’m good without you

Yeah, yeah, yeah

[He talks about the night taking a really long time. This reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry struggles to break up with his weekly girlfriend over a marathon ten-hour session. But then we heaves her apartment, he remembers that there's a killer on the loose (The Lopper) and tries to patch things up. Something similar seems to be happening here. He breaks up with his girlfriend, but then as he's leaving, it's raining outside and he feels like going back to her.]

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can’t define what I’m after

I always turn the car around

Give me a break let me make my own pattern

All that it takes is some time but I’m shattered

I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby

Give it up, give it up, now

Now

[He repeats the line about turning the car around. He still can't commit to leaving her. He says, "let me make my own pattern." I think he's talking about breaking the cycle of bad relationships. He also says that "all that it takes is some time but I'm shattered." Anyone who's been hurt emotionally can relate to this. You know that the pain will go away but when it feels so intense, it's hard to believe you will ever feel better.]

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can’t define what I’m after

I always turn the car around

All that I feel is the realness I’m faking

Taking my time but it’s time that I’m wasting

Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?

Over the line can’t define what I’m after

I always turn the car around

Don’t wanna turn the car around

[He talks about how he can't define what he's looking for in a relationships. He knows he's unhappy but he's not at the next step which would be to know what would make him happy. He mentions the realness that he's faking. He is just going through the motions of a relationship. He is pretending to have feeling that he's not truly experiencing. At the end, one can't be sure whether he has decided to stay or to leave but there is hope.]

[I alluded to an episode of Seinfeld. In case you were wondering, the episode is "The Frogger." The script for that episode is available here: www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheFrogger.htm. Also you can view it on YouTube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UL-uncCJr-k&feature=related. ]

Who Will Save Your Soul?

“Who Will Save Your Soul?” Jewel, Pieces of You (album)

People living their lives for you on TV
They say they’re better than you and you agree
He says hold my calls from behind those cold brick walls
Says come here boys, there ain’t nothing for free

[When people watch TV, they witness other people's lives. Sometimes the viewers are trying to live their dreams vicariously through the people on TV. I think Jewel is saying that people should get off the bench and start living their own lives.

The line, "there ain't nothing for free" which can also be expressed as "there's no such thing as a free lunch," means that everything has its price. Sometimes the price is just time. Sometimes the price is an opportunity one forgoes by enjoying something else. Often the price is a hidden fee that's subtly hidden by the advertiser. Whenever someone offers something for free, it's probably a good idea to have a healthy dose of skepticism.]
Another doctor’s bill, another lawyer’s bill, another cute cheap
thrill
You know you love him if you put him in your will, but …
Who will save your soul when it comes to the flowers now
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?

[Everyone hates paying bills, but they're an essential part of life. Paying for something is an acknowledgment that you care about that thing. When you put someone in your will, you are saying that you care about what happens to him or her after you die. Then comes the title question, "Who will save your soul?" I think when she mentions "flowers" she's referring to something that comes later in the song where she says "we pray to as many different gods as there are flowers." She's saying if we worship different gods or different things like money and power, who can we expect to save us? If you pray every night for more money, then God gives you money, what will you say when you die and God says that he gave you what you wanted so what more is He supposed to give you now. She asks, "Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy." She may be talking to an ex-boyfriend who was always lying to her. Or she might be addressing men in general since most of us are liars.

I love that last line, "Who will save your soul if you won't save your own?" I feel like that's a very Islamic idea as the Quran says, "And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another.  And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative.  You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer.  And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. . .” (Surah Fatir 35:1) I think there are a lot of Christians who feel secure in the knowledge that Jesus (peace be upon him) died for their sins, so they are assured salvation. But that doesn’t seem just to me. I think Divine Justice means that every soul is accountable before God for all of his or her own actions. Of course God is Merciful and Forgiving but we cannot forget that He is also Just.]

We try to hustle them, try to bustle them, try to cuss them
The cops want someone to bust down on Orleans Avenue
Another day, another dollar, another war, another tower
Went up to where the homeless had their homes

[People constantly try to swindle other people out of money. People are always cussing each other out. I'm intrigued by the reference to Orleans Avenue. It's a bit mysterious as I believe several American cities have an Orleans Avenue including New Orleans and Chicago. But maybe she's leaving it ambiguous deliberately so it can mean any city. It is an indictment of police officers to say that "the cops want someone to bust." We hope that the police are honest and only arrest people who are guilty, but we know that the reality is often quite different. I could go into this more, but I'll leave that up to the reader. If you are interested in cases police brutality , look up "Pullman Strike," "Rodney King" or "L.A. Riots."

The line "Another day, another dollar" is a classic American cliché that expresses the monotony of capitalism. But hey, it sure beats communism. "Another war, another tower" sounds like it might be a reference to 9-11, but this song came out in 1995, so that's impossible, unless Jewel is psychic. Although I don't want to deny Jewel credit, the next line says the tower "went up to where the homeless had their homes." So she's talking about a low-rent building being demolished to build a tall residential tower. It happens all the time in Chicago.]
So we pray to as many different gods as there are flowers
But we call religion our friend
We’re so worried about saving our souls

[People worship many different beings. There are worshippers of Allah, Vishnu, Buddha, and even the Flying Spaghetti Monster. People think their religions will lead them to heaven, but sometimes they can lead to hell. The word "friend" is often used in religious contexts. A famous hymn is entitled "What a Friend We Have in Jesus (AS)" The Quran describes Prophet Abraham (AS) as the "friend of Allah." Sufis speak of Allah as the Divine Friend.]

Afraid that God will take His toll that we forget to begin but
Who will save your soul when it comes to the flowers now
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?

[Sometimes the fear of God can be too extreme. Sometimes it can be paralyzing, so paralyzing that we are afraid to do anything because we fear it may be a sin. It is important to remember God, and to fear the punishment of Hell, but it should help you and not hinder you from living a life filled with goodness.]
Some are walking, some are talking, some are stalking their kill
You got social security, but that don’t pay your bills
There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay
So you bargain with the Devil, say you’re o.k. for today

[When you go out on the street, you can see people walking, talking, and stalking. In most places, man has no predator but man himself. Jewel is talking about the broken social security system which already fails to provide for the elderly and is probably going to get worse as time goes by. The next line brings to mind an image of a drug-addicted mother who pays for her habit but not for her kids' meals. But we should not be quick to pass judgment on her, unless we have walked in her shoes.]

You say that you love them, take their money and run
Say, it’s been swell, sweetheart, but it was just one of those things
Those flings, those strings you’ve got to cut
So get out on the streets, girls, and bust your butts

["Those flings, those strings you've got to cut" refers to dying relationships. I once heard a Sheikh say friends are like clothes. As time passes and they get worn out, you get rid of them. It's sad but true. Some have said that the last line in this stanza refers to prostitutes. It's possible. But it may just refer to women in any line of work. Often women have to work twice as hard for half the pay as men. An interesting thing happens musically at this point, as Jewel says "bust your butts," the drums come in and make a sound reminiscent of a person falling on their butt. Maybe I'm over-analyzing, but you can listen to the song and decide for yourself.]

Who will save your soul when it comes to the flowers now
Who will save your soul after all the lies that you told, boy
Who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?

[Image of Iolite, a type of jewel, courtesy of www.justgemstones.com]

Comedy of Errors

This is my 50^th post on WordPress. I wanted to do something special, something substantial. This post is about the search for spouses on Shaadi.com (not to be confused with shadi.com).

The first question our community asks about pretty much anything is, “How much does it cost?” So how much does Shaadi.com cost? Starting is free. This is a payment schedule tried and tested by drug dealers the world over.

“12 months for only US $ 149
Platinum Membership”

Let’s put that price in perspective. For a year’s worth of Shaadi.com Platinum, you could buy

• The DVD Boxed Sets for “Dexter,” “Heroes,” and “Prison Break.”
• 3 Women’s Fragrance Sets by Clinique, Lancome, and Elizabeth Arden
• MS Flight Simulator X, Warcraft III Set, and Civiliation IV

To register on shaadi.com, you have to give a username, password, and cell phone number. Pretty standard stuff. One of the strangest questions I saw was one about blood group. Desis seem to have this idea that one’s blood group is really important. I saw on GEO, the Urdu satellite channel, a diet based entirely on one’s blood group. And now shaadi.com is asking about it. Because if you’re O-, you can’t marry an AB+. That would be unthinkable, right?

ACTUAL ADS FROM SHAADI.COM

So here are some excerpts of actual ads on shaadi.com followed by my scathing commentary.

“I’m _____, 26, from Fort Lauderdale, FL. Im outgoing, adventurous, and I love living life to its fullest. I never pass up an opportunity to travel, and I love meeting new people. Im looking for someone who I can be myself around and enjoy spending time with. . . Needless to say, I don’t get much spare time, but on the occasion do I get some time to myself, I enjoy going to the beach, spending time with friends, movies, sports (playing or watching), dining, shopping, attending live musical performances, and reading.
Im into biographies/autobiographies. I find reading about peoples extraordinary lives extremely fascinating.
Like I said, I love meeting new people, so drop me a line! I WILL NOT talk to you if you dont have a pic. Fair is fair.”

She enjoys going to the beach? Does she wear a bikini? How liberal is this sister?

She’s inconsistent with her contractions. At the beginning she says, “I’m” which is perfectly correct. But then she uses “Im” a couple times. And in the second-to-last sentence she uses “dont” which of course should be “don’t.” Guess what her profession is? She’s a teacher – so she should definitely know better.

Let’s get back to the second-to-last sentence: “I WILL NOT talk to you if you dont have a pic.” As we all know, using caps online is like shouting. So this is something she wants to emphasize. Why can’t she even talk to someone who doesn’t want their face plastered all over the internet? What is she afraid of? Some sweet guy who looks like Quasimodo?

Here’s another one:

“”I’m excited to be part of this site… thought I’d give it a try to meet people. This is it buddies, my time to look… and good luck to other who are already in this challenge! I am not looking to impress, intimidate, nor judge. I am pretty carefree person with a broad-mind. However, I greatly honor my roots and religion, and come from an excellet upbringing. I am looking for a witty, fun, yet a compassionate life partner. Education is a must, and a good sense of humor to laugh over all the mistakes we will make together is even more critical. I don’t expect people to hit a perfect relationship, but the strongest ones are those where people can grow togther. I should stop talking now and let you get in touch with me.”

This one is kind of sweet, so I feel a little bad making fun of it, but not so bad that I’m going to stop. I like the sentence, “I am not looking to impress, intimidate, nor judge.” I totally agree with those sentiments. I do have to point out that she says she comes “from an excellet upbringing.” Clearly that upbringing didn’t teach her how to spell or use spell-check. If this is the way you want to be seen in front of the entire internet, shouldn’t you at least proofread? C’mon people.

Last one, I promise:

“I am placing this ad for my sister she is 28 about 5″4 born in India and raised in Middle East. As her brother i can say that my sister is a calm and easy going person. she is also very fun loving & friendly and has a very good sense of humour Also i consider herself to be assertive and hardworking. She respects her elders and also looks out for her youngers. We are a decent and respectable family raised in Saudi. As a result we have learned to balance both islamic values and the modern world, And we are looking for a person with similar values a balance of deen and duniya. and somone who will take care of my sister. She currently works for berkeley bank in Mumbai. She is strongly career oriented and looking for a partner who would support her in all the endeavors of life and of course he could expect the same. A level headed and gem of a person. She is currently visting me (her brother) in the U. S. If u like her profile u can email her an email address and a pic would be helpfull.”

It’s amazing how many women describe themselves as “easy-going.” But seriously, who’s going to say the opposite – “I’m rigid, inflexible, and unreasonable. If that’s what you’re looking for, IM me.”?

Apparently this ad was taken out by a concerned brother. But he doesn’t seem to be concerned with the rules of English grammar. In the second sentence, he fails to capitalize “i.” This is a mistake that even a fifth-grade should not make. He also starts new sentences without placing periods as he does here, “sense of humour Also i consider herself.” And he’s failed to capitalize “i” again. His worst and most annoying breach comes at the end, “If u like her profile u can email her an email address and a pic would be helpfull.” I think the way this sentence is supposed to read is, “If you like her profile, you can email her an email address and a pic would be helpful.” Texting is destroying our sense of English. When “you” want to say “you,” don’t use “u.”

Take Home Points

A couple of things should be apparent now. First, we, as a community, aren’t taking the search for spouses very seriously. We are more concerned with complexion and height than with the things that really matter like character and faith. Also, if we don’t even take the time to put these ads through Spell Check, what does that say about us? Would any of us submit resumes with this kind of apathy? This means that we care more about our jobs than about the people with whom we plan to spend the rest of our lives and with whom we hope to have children.

Pakola

I went to Juz Desi, the local Indo-Pak grocery store. I was there to get some ground chicken, pita bread, and a couple other items. While I was there, I saw some intriguing, unique products. They had a cheapo knockoff of Oreos called “Rite.” Those turned out to be decent in taste, though a little different from Oreos and only a quarter of the size. They also have Pakola which you can see in the jpeg picture. It had a pull-tab instead of a regular pop-top that you find on a can of Coke. I thought, “Hey, I’m Pakistani, I should try Pakola.” Big mistake.

This is one awful beverage. It’s almost indescribable in its badness. It is light lime-green in color. If you’ve ever had Rooh Afza, imagine that in a carbonated green form. Though you probably can’t make it out, it says on the label that it’s an ice cream soda. Don’t believe it. It tastes nothing like cream soda. It’s like drinking flowers. That might not sound so bad, but trust me, it is. Don’t ever buy it. Don’t ever drink it. Don’t ever touch it.

Tribute to Abdullah Yusuf Ali

Abdullah Yusuf Ali. If you are a Muslim living in America, you have no doubt seen his landmark English translation of The Holy Quran. It is probably sitting in your house right now. I hope it has not gathered too much dust since last Ramadan. As my friend Kamran is fond of repeating, “Qurans that fall apart often belong to people that don’t.”

Regardless of the frequency of your reading of the Quran, you should know about the magnificent intellectual achievement represented by the Yusuf Ali translation. There are many fine passages in the work, but one of the most remarkable is the translation of Ayat-ul-Kursi, the Verse of the Throne, 2:255. To really appreciate it, you must not only read the body of the passage but also the footnotes that accompany it. Ali comments on the verse, analyses it, and makes beautiful allusions to classic Western texts like the King James Version of the Bible and William Wordsworth’s poem, “Tintern Abbey.” He struggles to convey the beauty of the original in the most eloquent English he can muster. Many Muslims will say that the Arabic is far superior, and it is, but Ali deserves tremendous credit for striving so valiantly to bring the Quran to Western eyes.

Here is the Abdullah Yusuf Ali translation of Ayat-ul-Kursi, with his footnotes.

255. “God! There is no god but He, -the Living, the Self-Subsisting, Eternal.[1] No slumber can seize him nor sleep. His are all things in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His creatures as) before or after or behind them.[2] Nor shall they compass aught of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne[3] doth extend over the heavens and the earth, and He feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving them[4], For He is the Most High, the Supreme (in glory).”

How did the Muslim community or Ummah reward the genius behind these words? Was he a professor at a prestigious Islamic university? No. Did he serve as chairman to some great Islamic organization? Guess again. Could he have been chosen to serve as an adviser in the cabinet of some powerful Muslim leader? Nope. At age 80, Abdullah Yusuf Ali was “bewildered and frail, dying destitute and alone in London” according to his biographer, M.A. Sherif. But though he was not properly honored in this life, I pray that Allah will give him a noble place in Heaven and reward him for his tremendous service to the Muslim Ummah.

---

[1] “This is the Ayat-ul-Kursi, the “Verse of the Throne”. Who can translate its glorious meaning, or reproduce the rhythm of its well-chosen and comprehensive words? Even in the original Arabic the meaning seems to be greater than can be expressed in words.

The attributes of God are so different from anything we know in our present world that we have to be content with understanding that the only fit word by which we can name Him is “He,” – the pronoun standing for His name. His name – God or Allah – is sometimes misused and applied to other beings or things; and we must emphatically repudiate any idea or suggestion that there can be any compeer of God, the one true living God. He lives, but His life is self-subsisting and eternal: it does not depend on other beings and is not limited to time and space. Perhaps the attribute of Qaiyum includes not only the idea of “Self-subsisting” but also the idea of “Keeping up and maintaining all life,” His life being the source and constant support of all derived forms of life. Perfect life is perfect activity, in contrast to the imperfect life we see around us, which is not only subject to death but to the need for rest or slowed-down activity, (something which is between activity and sleep, for which I in common with other translators have used the word “slumber”) and the need for full sleep itself. But God has no need for rest or sleep. His activity, like His life, is perfect and self-subsisting. Contrast with this the expression used in Psalms lxxviii. 65: ‘Then the Lord awaked as one out of sleep, and like a mighty man that shouteth by reason of wine.”

[2] After we realize that His Life is absolute Life, His Being is absolute Being, while others are contingent and evanescent, our ideas of heaven and earth vanish like shadows. What is behind that shadow is He. Such reality as our heavens and our earth possess is a reflection of His absolute Reality. The pantheist places the wrong accent when he says that everything is He. The truth is better expressed when we say that everything is His. How then can any creatures stand before Him as of right, and claim to intercede for a fellow-creature? In the first place both are His, and He cares as much for one as for the other. In the second place, they are both dependent on His will and command. But He in His Wisdom and Plan may grade his creatures and give one superiority over another. Then by His will and permission such a one may intercede or help according to the laws and duties laid on him. God’s knowledge is absolute and not conditioned by Time or Space. To us, His creatures, these conditions always apply. His knowledge and our knowledge are therefore in different categories, and our knowledge only gets some reflection of Reality when it accords with His Will and Plan.

[3] Throne: seat, power, knowledge, symbol of authority. In our thoughts we exhaust everything when we say “the heavens and the earth”. Well, then in everything is the working of God’s power, and will, and authority. Everything of course includes spiritual things as well as things of sense Cf. Wordsworth’s fine outburst in “Tintern Abbey”: ‘Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns, And the round ocean and the living air, And in the blue sky, and in the mind of man: A motion and a spirit that impels all thinking things, all objects of all thought, And rolls through all things.’

[4] A life of activity that is imperfect or relative would not only need rest for carrying on its own activities but would be in need of double rest when it has to look after and guard, or cherish, or help other activities. In contrast with this is the Absolute Life, which is free from any such need or contingency. For it is supreme above everything we can conceive.

George Carlin’s Modern Man

[I love George Carlin's work and this is one of my favorite pieces. It's Carlin's satire of technology and buzzwords. He weaves a poem, almost a rap, of loosely connected words and phrases and shows how meaningless they are.]

I’m a modern man, digital and smoke-free; a man for the millennium.

A diversified, multi-cultural, post-modern deconstructionist; politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect.

I’ve been uplinked and downloaded, I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting-edge, state-of-the-art, bi-coastal multi-tasker, and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond.

I’m new-wave, but I’m old-school; and my inner child is outward-bound.

I’m a hot-wired, heat-seeking, warm-hearted cool customer; voice-activated and bio-degradable.

I interface with my database; my database is in cyberspace; so I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, and from time to time I’m radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin’ the wave, dodgin’ the bullet, pushin’ the envelope.

I’m on point, on task, on message, and off drugs.

I’ve got no need for coke and speed; I’ve got no urge to binge and purge.

I’m in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar.

A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary.

A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom-feeder.

I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps.

I’m a totally ongoing, big-foot, slam-dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach.

A raging workaholic, a working rageaholic; out of rehab and in denial.

I’ve got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant, and a personal agenda.

You can’t shut me up; you can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless, and I’m wireless. I’m an alpha-male on beta-blockers.

I’m a non-believer, I’m an over-achiever; Laid-back and fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home; low-rent, high-maintenance.

I’m super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built to last.

A hands-on, footloose, knee-jerk head case; prematurely post-traumatic, and I have a love child who sends me hate-mail.

But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive, bonding, nurturing primary-care giver.

My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, and my revenue stream has its own cash flow.

I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports.

I’m gender-specific, capital-intensive, user-friendly and lactose-intolerant.

I like rough sex; I like tough love. I use the F-word in my e-mail. And the software on my hard drive is hard-core—no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall. I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll-free, bite-size, ready-to-wear, and I come in all sizes.

A fully equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically-formulated medical miracle.

I’ve been pre-washed, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped and vacuum-packed.

And . . . I have unlimited broadband capacity.

I’m a rude dude, but I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock; rough, tough and hard to bluff.

I take it slow, I go with the flow; I ride with the tide, I’ve got glide in my stride.

Drivin’ and movin’, sailin’ and spinnin’; jivin’ and groovin’, wailin’ and winnin’.

I don’t snooze, so I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty, and lunchtime is crunch time.

I’m hangin’ in, there ain’t no doubt; and I’m hangin’ tough.

Over and out.

 

George Carlin – November 2005

http://www.mindfully.org/Reform/2005/Modern-Man-Carlin15nov05.htm